Tag Archives: friends

Hello Twenty-Thirteen

I started this blog back in September I had no idea where it was going to go, but I knew that it would help my recovery from my past. I didn’t expect it to take off, or to find myself wanting to do more with it. I have written 22 (now 23) posts, had over 5,000 views on the blog, and 49 comments. I have loved every comment, and there are many times that I have needed those comments to make it through the down that caused a post that day.

There is much relief in knowing that I am not alone in what I have been through. There is relief in knowing that I am not crazy for having a difficult time deconstructing and not wanting anything to do with religion. I stopped going to church and it was after many conversations with my husband that we stopped attending the local SGM church, and I noticed an immediate difference in my uneasiness and anxiety about going to church. We ended up attending, most Sundays, a small Presbyterian church and have made a bunch of new friends. It amazed me how much stronger my blogging “voice” got once I was out from the influence of the people who’s opinions I feared. Removing yourself from the presence of someone you are afraid of and who has power over you greatly helps the healing.

I have greatly learned what tolerance looks like, there are still those people who push my buttons so hard I will not hesitate to say that I am not willing whatsoever to work on “our relationship.”  As I have said before, I value friendships very highly. They mean so much to me that I will willingly drop everything to help a friend out if they give one hint that they need help. I do not do this to gain favor for myself, or to cause someone to feel obligated to return the favor. I help my friends and am there for my friends because I care, and I care deeply. But woe to the one who breaks my trust or uses me.

Twenty-twelve was exciting, discouraging, new, and difficult. I enjoyed most of it, fought with part of it, and waited out more of it. I am eager to see what this year brings, and I hope that it will continue to bring joy and happiness into a life of working through the past and pushing toward the future.  I have several ideas for blog series and topics for the coming months and and I am excited to start taking this blog in a new direction!


The Classic Knee-jerk

I am in a vicious mood tonight, and I believe it is a classic knee-jerk reaction to allowing my mind to accept and revisit pains in my past. My husband and I visited a place today where I have many, many bad memories. Even though this place holds a lot of bad memories, there are also some good ones, and I seriously hadn’t thought about the bad memories at all recently. It helped greatly that my dad was not there, nor were the rest of my family. There was nothing reminding me of those difficult memories, or so I thought.

Events soon followed that brought back everything. And I discovered that I was willing to feel, and feel hard the old bitterness and anger that I first felt when wounded. Memories of past words, comments, manipulations, unhelpful advice, and sad memories were actually felt for the first time today, and it has left me viciously angry and zealous for the well being of myself and a few close friends.

All it really took for me to make the transition from the peaceful, at ease, and comfortable me that I was this morning, to the spitting-nails, boiling frustrated me of this evening, was laying eyes on the one person I realized I have a boat load of serious issues with. As the time got closer to meet up with her, for I hadn’t seen her in a very long time, my hubby and I started wandering around, my thoughts being that maybe I’d run into her. I suddenly saw her, and a shock wave rolled over me. A very vivid memory of being in the same position hit me, and I remembered why I had simply walked away the last time.

[….I have, in a blind rage, stood by and watched this woman tear down one of my closest friends, and scorn her because of a guy. I have had her try to manipulate me into believing that separating from a very bad family situation wasn’t in God’s will, and that I should stay home where I belonged. I have been blatantly ignored while she, and other friends, made plans to go out together, all while I stood or sat there next to her, without being included. I have, on multiple occasions, tried my best to confront her for the offenses I saw, and was shut down before I could get the words fully out. I have been shut out of her life when I bring up concerns, and welcomed warmly when I agree with everything she says. She has discouraged me from believing in a scripture that brought me great hope, instead told me not to get my hopes up that I would ever be healed….]

I finally caught up with her, and my hubsand and I sat down to chat for a few minutes, but I found my mouth glued shut, and only brief answers were allowed past my tightly closed lips. I was inwardly surprised at how simply being in her presence shut me down. Just like that, I was quiet, I felt like I had to defend every thing I said, and was getting riled up at every little nuance of something she said, did, or reacted to. I sat there quietly, inwardly, grappling with my anger and frustration, and felt so unsure of why she was setting me off. Then it hit me. I had never been able to accept that she had hurt me, that she had hurt my friends, and that now I was watching her scorn another friend of mine. I purposefully forgot what she had done so I could keep the friendship, although shaky, that I had with her on a level plane, and that is no longer acceptable to me. I cannot heal from the hurt, anger, and frustration I have felt unless I can accept that she hurt me, and I can move on.

For all of the years that I was under my dad’s influence, and in an unstable emotional environment, it will most likely take just as long for me to relax, and not react, in a stable emotional environment.  Being married to a man who is very stable emotionally, and is willing to chill when I am blowing up, makes a world of difference in how I am reacting now. I am learning to recognize the people who I can’t be around without being reminded of my dad and reacting emotionally to normal things that should not affect me. I cannot be around people who scorn those who don’t agree with them, or call them out on their issues. I cannot be near those who shun family members for choosing to break from from ancient family chains, and who make you feel like you are worth next to nothing when they question your opinions. I cannot be around those who are loving, caring, happy, and accepting one minute, and then the next around cold, rude, and patronizing. I need real people with real feelings who, no matter how ugly or good, will freely share those feelings.  I will not willingly stand by any longer, and watch my friends get treated like crap. If a  family treats one of their children like they are dead to them simply because of differing opinions, then shame on them.  Situations like mine with my dad, and others of my friends, make me very grateful for the band of friends I am forming who are willing to stand by me, and constantly remind me of what is NORMAL, and what is not.

So here’s to all of the fellow Black Sheep out there. I toast to our health, our peace of mind, heart, and body, and to the love that only true friends can give.

With that in mind, and without further ado,

Chryssie Rose


Friendship – the wiles and graces

I have gone through times of being a loner when it comes to friendships. I’ve had too much crap that I’m trying to work through, or that was weighing on me. I’ve found that it really takes a very special kind of person to be able to put up with someone who carries a boat load of bricks around with them.  Honestly, it has been my fault as well, being in those lonely times. I was so depressed that I was seriously sucking the life out of the friends who were brave enough to be near me and listen to me.  But, through the concerns of three dear friends, I was able to see what I was doing to my friends, and immediately turned things around.

That didn’t mean that the depression/discouragement let up, or that things were all warm and fuzzy. I really did mess up a friendship really badly, and it was only through my heart completely changing that this friendship was able to be restored. That friend is now one of my closest and dearest friends, and I am so, so blessed to have a friend like her. I love our 2 and a half hour conversations full of tears, laughter, verbal hugs, and gasping over recent drama.

I am a loyal friend. I will fight tooth and nail for any one of my friends and God help you, should you try to mess with one of those friends. I believe that a friendship should be two sided, both people working on a friendship together.  I find it extremely hard to give up on friends, even if I am wearing myself out trying to keep the friendship alive. My husband can attest to the small handful of friendships that I still mourn to this day.

I have been greatly hurt through friendships, and I have also been given a lot of grace and love through other friendships. Friendships are finicky, especially when there is a certain level of distrust, or distance, intermingled with the friendship. I have had friendships where those I thought were friends have stabbed me in the back, or who have simply just fallen off the face of the earth, no explanation at all. I have had friends who weren’t willing to work  out issues, and I still wonder if I could have done anything different to mend that friendship. That’s when I realize that it’s  not worth the energy if there is no reciprocation from the other side.

I wrote a blog post, on another blog, a few weeks ago, talking about the importance of compassion and grace towards those who are hurting. I also shared in my post on slander, that I had had several people come to me and try to tell me how what I am writing about, or sharing, is slanderous to my parents and disrespectful. Here’s the problem I have with the way these people came to me. They were so concerned about what I was doing “wrong” and how they felt I needed to change. There was no compassion, no grace, and above all, they felt they were being faithful friends. I feel bad for them, and for their friends, if they feel like tearing someone down and pointing out their “sin” means that they are being faithful as a friend.

I have seen several instances where someone has shared, on FB or in a blog post, how their life sucks, or things are just terrible.  It has made me so mad when those who comment are so worried about how the post is slanderous, or how bad language is a sin, or they should be grateful they are even alive. Heck, where’s the grace, people?! where’s the care for the hurting? I wish more people would care and ask questions for those who express even the tiniest bit of sorrow.  I read something the other day about how it isn’t having emotions that causes you to doubt yourself. Those who say that your emotional reaction isn’t legitimate, are the ones who cause the doubting.

I desire to be the kind of friend you can trust. The friend who cares how you really, truly are doing, and the one who will listen without judging. I mean to be the friend who will correct, if need be, but will do so without judging, and instead will have compassion. My experiences, of having people verbally beat me down for sharing my story, have given me a lot of grace, compassion, and tolerance for others who are hurting.

I say bring it on people, I’m here to fight for my friends and to be the most loyal and caring friend that I can be.

With that in mind, and without further ado,

Chryssie Rose


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