I have spent most of my life suppressing my emotions, not dealing with them, and sticking them as far back on the shelf as I could reach. I wasn’t a big fan of letting pain really touch me, and instead of working through the betrayal I ultimately felt from my dad, I just simply moved on without considering what it really meant. Or I thought I could. It’s so much easier going through life suppressing emotions instead of letting them really affect you.
This has been the major source of much frustration to me over the past few years or so. I have been shut down emotionally so many times, and I am shaking free, awakening, from that constraint. It really has been constraining to my enjoying God, loving church, digging into my bible and having my hunger for more enjoyment in life satisfied. If I have felt anything, it has been frustration, anger, bitterness, cynicism, and loneliness. I often find myself asking how I should feel when something good happens, or when my trust is betrayed, or even when I read a verse that seems to apply to my current set of circumstances. I do believe my heart unconsciously wrapped iron bars around my emotions and heart to protect itself, and I want to break free from those bars now. Even if those chains have been for my protection in the past, I want to FEEL again, I want to be free to feel the emotions that come along with life’s happenings. I want the freedom to feel and then explain and know exactly why I feel what I do.
It is with dizzying bliss that I have begun discovering the art of putting real feelings into understandable words. I am reveling in the anger that has surfaced when my trust recently felt betrayed. I love feeling hurt when I can put into words why I feel hurt. There is something about being able to put into words exactly why you feel hurt, betrayed, angry. I believe that to really understand and FEEL feelings like joy, peace, calm of spirit, and happiness, I have to be able to understand and feel the pain in my past. I can’t say that I’ve got it all figured out, but I do know this. I have been able to find greater peace the more I have been able to really feel the pain and anger I’ve kept locked away for years.
Through feeling these emotions, I have been able to actually clearly understand why I felt anger, or pain, or felt like my trust has been betrayed. Instead of just shutting down, and pushing away, the emotions difficulties (and pleasures) have raised in me, I am working on welcoming those feelings; good or bad.
There is a weird part of my locked up emotions that feels it is wrong to be happy, or joyful, or to show that I am enjoying something. I am still working that one out, and trying to understand the shyness I suddenly get when I feel happy, or at peace, or joyful. It’s like I have this weird idea that I can’t show those feelings or someone will accuse me of being false, or will wonder what I am hiding. Isn’t that a bit messed up? I’m really good at showing harsh feelings, such as anger, disappointment, distrust. But I don’t know fully how to show excitement and enjoyment. I still feel detached from my surroundings.
I am breaking free, and it is such a long road ahead of me. I can barely dream about what the end will bring, but I know I’m going to be going somewhere. For right now, I am going to just keep working on feeling my feelings, and totally embracing those feelings I’m uncomfortable showing. Just be aware, I may blow up in someone’s face as I react to the deepest feelings of a feeling I may have. I have a funny feeling that it will take a bit for me to even out as I continue to uncover real emotions, and that I will go overboard to really feel a feeling. I’m pretty sure that’s okay though, right?
With that in mind, and without further ado,