Yesterday was pretty crazy for us. We moved the rest of our possessions to our new place, and spent our first night out from the frustrating place our old abode had become. I think it might because I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with being a new place, but I am hitting a weird low today.
I am finding myself doubting friendships, struggling over being self-condemning, fighting against losing any self confidence I may have. I am worried that I am too pushy, too annoying, and people do not like to be around me but only are because they can feel obligated to be my friend. I don’t know if this is all coming up because I am drained, still feeling a bit stressed, and I am reading into people’s actions way too deeply. I’m fighting the urge to take the dive again and bury myself for awhile; cut of all friendships except for maybe one or two, and then leave the rest to float where they may without giving direction from my end.
This may be selfish, but maybe not. I am reaching the point of wanting to shut people out again, and I think that has to do with the amount of stress I’ve been under for the past month. This is the first day that I haven’t had to wake up and hear people I can barely stand living above me. Am I too critical of people? Does my past color how I respond to those I can’t stand? It’s hard for me to be cordial to someone who has broken my trust. Is that normal?
I am losing sight today of what is normal, or what is okay. After having been after to work through all of the second guessing of myself a few years ago, this is unsettling that I am second guessing myself today. I don’t think I have anything legitimate to second guess myself about, but still, I am doing it. I am hesitant to text certain people, I am feeling anxious that I have annoyed others with my communications. I am recognizing triggers around me, and yet I can’t seem to stop those triggers from going off. It’s like seeing an icy path in front of you and watching yourself slip and knowing that there is nothing that will stop you until you reach the end. I am not despairing, oddly enough, but I can see myself slipping.
I can’t remember what it was like when I moved into our old place after my husband and I got married almost two years ago. Because I can’t remember I have nothing to compare what I’m feeling about our new place with. I am inclined to doubt our new landlords because of the crap we had to put up with our old landlords. Even though true, real evidence is right in front of me proving that our new landlords are NOTHING like our old ones, there is still a piece of me second guessing. I am afraid to go back to our old place to clean because I don’t want to see those people again. Knowing that those people have cheated us out of money, made life miserable, and twisted our words does not make it any easier for me to acknowledge them. Knowing that my husband and I have been pushed into corners through conversations with them, and have been accused of being prideful and defensive simply for disagreeing does not make me want to work on any friendship. I don’t believe I am wrong for being upset, but I do think I need to move on, especially now that we no longer live under their feet….literally.
Maybe I’ll go to home depot and get some supplies for our new place and maybe that will cheer me up. Maybe I will limit my social interactions for awhile until I can find some self-confidence again and stop second guessing myself. Maybe I’ll quit facebook and turn off any notifications. Maybe then I will feel more sure of my actions and will be able to text, call, chat, and email with friends and not worry that I am annoying them with wanting to talk.
Maybe I’ll find my dark corner again and let the storm pass. I’m not feeling any strength to be able to stand up and defy the emotions that threaten and are drowning me.
Maybe tomorrow things will be brighter, but for now, I think I will simply cut off communicating and stick to just three people.